Friday, March 30, 2007

How to Develop a Slow and Unreliable Mobile Software Solution for Mobile Handheld PDAs and Smartphones

Some companies have figured out how to develop slow and unreliable mobile software solutions for use on expensive and fast handheld PDAs and smartphones completely on their own, but for those new to this process please read on:
  1. Make sure you purchase the slowest available processors on your handheld PDAs

  2. Develop your mobile software applications in complete isolation from your real world working environment - chance and fate make life interesting if not entertaining

  3. Make sure you purchase the least amount of memory possible on your chosen PDA

  4. Purchase outdated and end-of-life handheld PDAs (try eBay)

  5. Develop new mobile solutions to run on old operating systems (try pocket pc 2002 or 2003)

  6. Choose a dial-up modem option for synchronizing your PDA (forget wireless broadband)
  7. Develop mobile solutions that assume you will always have good wireless carrier coverage
  8. Make sure if you lose wireless coverage, that your mobile software application is useless

  9. Take your existing desktop server application and force it to run on your PDA

  10. Don't filter the data you want to synchronize from your Oracle or SAP databases, just download the entire corporate database to your handheld PDA
  11. Don't synchronize only "changed" data, download the entire corporate database each time you synchronize
  12. Make sure if your connection is broken, you start the entire synchronization process over again - none of this starting where you left off sissy stuff
  13. Don't consolidate your enterprise data into one simple mobile synchronization "view", leave the data in dozens of different databases and database tables spread liberally around your IT ecosystem - this proves your courage and fortitude

  14. Don't bother optimizing your application for mobile environments

  15. Maximize the amount of encryption and security you use on every aspect of your mobile solution - with enough security and encryption you can slow the data synchronization down to a mere trickle

  16. Make sure you have all your mobile workers synchronize their handheld PDAs at the same time in batch mode

  17. Hard code your mobile software solution to work only on one specific handheld PDA that can only synchronize with your backend database in one specific manner

  18. Ensure that the software programmer that develops your mobile software application is ambitious and feels he/she is under paid and under appreciated, and/or their green card is about to expire

  19. Develop your own synchronization what if other software companies have spent the last 15 years perfecting time like the present to begin your own 15 year odyssey.

  20. Make sure this is your first time developing a mobile software solution - it brings out the pioneering spirit

  21. Give yourself some unrealistic development time frames - make sure you commit to these time frames publicly and in the presences of senior management. Make sure that senior management then develops their business strategy around the dates you provided

  22. Don't include testing and debugging time in your project need to cut corners somewhere
  23. Documentation is only for forgetful minds, don't waste your time here

  24. Purchase all your handheld PDAs before you develop your mobile application. Purchase enough to last the next 8 years. Who knows how long they will be available on the market and you don't want to re-develop your mobile software application for new operating systems and features

  25. Allow your mobile workers to download all the games, music and videos they want onto their handheld PDAs

  26. Don't standardize on a particular operating system or handheld PDA specification - it will stifle creativity